noondayclock | (no subject)

[It's strange in a way, being back after what feels like so long. The restlessness that he'd been feeling for months, and that no amount of killing dangerous fauna could sate, has finally left. But it had been replaced with a quiet ache, that's finally starting to ease. It's good to be home.

Fighting the swarm of fairy bulls to the front door is no easy task, but he can't even find it in himself to be irritated. In his own way he'd gotten used to them, the way those in the city got used to crickets and cheerful birds. Besides, they delay a conversation he really doesn't want to be having.

The kids will be napping, likely far enough in the house that they won't hear this, which is a good thing. It's likely to get messy, things always tended to, with Jake.

But he's never been a coward, and he knows it's necessary. So he shifts the bag in his hand and enters the house, dumping it into a corner, before wandering in search of him.

It's easy, he's in the kitchen and Dirk leans on the door frame, watching]

Honey, I'm home.

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[ It's... nice. Well, compared to all the fighting the fact that Dirk is actually willing to let Jake close in some way or another is nice. He's not stupid enough to think this really fixes anything, really, but it's a start, isn't it? The fact that Dirk is letting him close at all is a step in the right direction.

Jake presses his cheek against the top of Dirk's head, tightening his grip on him.

He's almost afraid to say anything right now, certain that whatever he says he's going to fuck up the moment. Considering he managed to dig a big enough hole for himself that Dirk was packing up and planning on leaving, he's not really feeling all that confident in his ability to talk Dirk out of running off on him. But before he can really think things through he's opening his mouth and babbling stupid. ]

Don't leave me.

[ That... that probably should have been "don't leave us". That probably shouldn't have been as blatantly selfish as it was. Why does he keep doing that?

He opens his mouth to try again, but he can't get the words out, instead he lets out a shaky exhale, and squeezes Dirk tighter. ]

[He laughs slightly, chokes on it. It's a wet, horrible sound, and he noses into Jake's neck even as the whole thing just makes him cry harder.

It's raw, pure grief and he hates that he can make Jake sound panicked, afraid to lose him and that he's got the other manner resorting to near begging. After all this, after...After everything that's making Dirk run.

They're just one big, cosmic joke. He can't get the words out fast enough, they're rambled, dispersed between his sobbing and quiet anger, some of them even, get a little muffled into the skin of Jake's neck]

Why?

Doesn't make...

It's not fucking difference, you can't- It's not like you'd notice.

You're always- You or me does it even matter who leaves it's always-

You're just always gone. You don't...

[And it comes out more broken than he means it to, sinks all of his weight into Jake, and twists his shirt up in his hands and pulls like he can't decide if he wants to eradicate the last of the space between him or shove him away]

Jake nothing makes you stay. I tried-

[ Nothing Dirk is rambling out right now makes a whole lot of sense. He's upset and the stream of consciousness he's tossing Jake's way isn't easy to follow, but he gets some of it. He already got it that Dirk doesn't feel he wants to be there, that he doesn't love him or the kids, and it's because.... he's never there? Because Dirk has tried to make him stay and he won't?

He racks his brain for these instances, and all he can come up with are a dozen or so times that Dirk has dropped some vague hints he wasn't happy that Jake was running out, but... Jake had thought it was a time thing. Like Dirk wanted him around at the moment, and they'd always talked it out.

At least... Jake thought they had. ... Jake had always explained his reasons for leaving, and promised to come back.

Maybe that wasn't enough. Dirk has always been very sensitive about things, and not always the most straight forward in his approach. Maybe, just maybe (and Jake doesn't think he's really going out on a limb here) Dirk was not as okay with Jake's galavanting all over the world after all.

Either way, if Dirk decides he wants to shove Jake off, he's gonna have some problems with it, because if Jake actually held Dirk any tighter than this. ]

What if...

[ He swallows nervously. What he's thinking of suggesting isn't something he really wants to even consider, much less promise to someone. But it's starting to feel like an either or option. He either keeps doing what he's doing now, and loses Dirk and Dave, or he gives up the adventuring, and....

Well, there is no and. As much as it hurts, as much as this is the last thing he ever wanted to have to do, there is one thing he's sure he can't live without at this point in his life. ]

What if I promise I'll never leave again?

[ And thing is his family. ]