noondayclock | (no subject)

[ The nice thing about all the advance technology that they keep around this island is that it makes Jake's life a lot easier when it comes to simple household tasks. Like actually cooking for himself. The problem with it, however, is that while Jake is no dummy (most of the time), he's still not a wizard with these kind of things, and he can tinker about with a machine for weeks and not making any progress on it.

And here he is with his cookalizer, something they absolutely need to be able to eat, and he can't for the life of him figure out how to fix it.

He's completely absorbed in the task until he hears an all too familiar voice. A sardonic tone offering a vaguely ironic greeting and Jake's gut tightens up, his eyes light up, he drops what he's doing on the floor, rushes over to Dirk and...

... swings a fist right at his face. ]

Edited 2012-03-22 05:27 (UTC)

[The fact that the machine's make Jake's life easier, therefore making Dirk's life easier, are precisely why nearly all of the technological upgrades were made. Though, he definitely had intended to never be gone long enough where their eventual break down, or Jake's mishandling of them, would be something he wasn't around to fix.

He makes a mental note to look at it later, and if worse comes to worse, make building another his next immediate project, after checking in on the children. He's not surprised by the greeting he receives, and it's only partly undeserved, so he takes the hit with enough force that he has to stumble back.

His fingers move to slide over his skin, where he can already feel the bruise forming]

Feel better?

[ This douchenozzle, standing here, acting like he owns the place! Well... okay, admittedly he does have partial ownership over everything, but that isn't the point! Dirk leaves him without so much as a farewell for weeks, and doesn't bother to try and correspond with him once the entire time he's gone!

... Jake sees absolutely not parallels or irony in this situation at all. NOPE all he sees is how douchey Dirk was being, and how pissed off he is by the whole thing. ]

Not particularly. No.

[Getting Jake to wake up to how this makes Dirk feel, even if he isn't quite aware of it was step one. And clearly successful. A part of him does feel guilty for it, it's not like he enjoyed not being able to contact him, or to come home sooner. But some things were necessary if this was going to work. Which it had to, it wasn't just about them any more.

He nods, glancing around quickly to see how much of a mess Jake had actually made of the place, before focusing in on him again]

Okay.

[ Jake stares at Dirk incredulously, waiting for some sort of explanation or apology. While it's true that Jake does pull this number on Dirk more often than he should (and hasn't put two and two together that this is the same damn thing) there is one thing Jake has always been halfway decent about, and that's coming back with apologies, and stories about his trips.

Then again, Jake also gives warning before disappearing, but no chance for real protest and apologies don't mean a damn if you don't make the effort to change that you're doing.

Still, that's not making him less irritated at dirk for not at least TRYING to say he's sorry. ]

You're unbelievable.

[He refuses to give one. Feeling guilty for having to do it, doesn't at all mean he's sorry. Jake didn't learn if he wasn't given a hard lesson to wrap his head around, something left over from the fifteen year old he'd started out with.

He crosses his arms, unwilling to even offer a basic explanation, just yet]

Am I? Why don't you enlighten me as to the reason. You knew where I was.

[If only because Dirk only ever visits the same place, when he leaves]

[ He knew... it was hard not to know, but that didn't make it any less frustrating that Dirk hadn't made any effort to contact him. It wasn't like he was in some place that would completely cut him off from the outside world.

And while Dirk might be good at playing it cool, Jake is less so. The irritation, the exasperation, the hurt? All very apparently on his features, from the heavily furrowed brow to the slight tensing of the muscles in his jaw. ]

I couldn't really do much about it with two kids to watch after.

[That makes him feel worse, enough that Dirk will actually glance away. He'd thought he'd been prepared for Jake to be hurt by this, enough that handling it would be easy. He was wrong, no matter how often he'd seen similar expressions on him over the years, it never got any easier.

But this was too important to back down on, so when he's steady in his resolve, he rolls his shoulders back with a careless shrug, tossing Jake a look]

You're the one that wanted them. Seems fitting that you look after them.

[ The carelessness of his body language mixed with what Dirk was saying hits Jake like a ton of bricks.

That... that isn't something he'd been expecting. Sure, Dirk got angry at him sometimes, Dirk gave him a hard time, but... this went beyond being about them. This went to their kids who Dirk is casually dismissing. Yes, it's true it was Jake who had wanted to take them in, in the first place, but this had been something they'd agreed together. This is something he thought they were both all in for. They were going to give these kids a loving and caring home and support them themselves. There hadn't been a doubt in Jake's mind before how much they both cared and wanted this. But in just two sentences Dirk has managed to shatter what Jake had thought was a pretty steady foundation that he'd built his entire fucking life on for the past decade on.

He's floored. He didn't know what to say, doesn't even know what to do. He can't remember being this angry at any point in his life, and he's more surprised than anything to find he's actually shaking some in an attempt to physically hold himself back from whaling on Dirk's face right now. ]

[He's not the only one who wasn't expecting this. The full scope of anger that Jake isn't even trying to hide, the fact that he's visibly shaking in his attempt to restrain himself, floors Dirk. He'd been prepared for the anger, to a degree, he'd been prepared for hurt, he just...

He hadn't been prepared for Jake to care so damn much. It hadn't mattered that they'd been together in various ways since they were teenagers. That Jake had never really looked at anyone else, had never expressed disinterest in Dirk once they'd been together. They argued more than was likely normal for most couples, and often got physical about them, but they always made up and it had always worked.

Yet, every time Jake left without so much as a by your leave, without contact for weeks on end, excited to explore his ruins and live out his adventures alone...Dirk couldn't help but doubt. The more time went on, he thought that perhaps, having the kids meant Jake was finished with that life style, that sort of excitement. Instead, it changed absolutely nothing, except what Jake tended to devote his time with when he was home. He was as excited as ever to leave, and filled with stories that made him light up in a way Dirk didn't think he couldn't compete with. That their kids clearly couldn't.

How could anyone who cared just feel as if the only place they needed to be was somewhere else? Sure, Jake could be angry because now he feels more burdened than ever, but something about the way he's staring at him now is starting to make him doubt his own position.

He takes half a step toward him, hand outstretched slightly, before he curls his hand into a fist and drops it. Doubts or no, he isn't going to fix this. Not until he's sure]

What are you so fucking pissed about? It's about time I made you own up to your responsibilities.

[ It's for the best he stopped himself really, at the moment Jake's as liable to try to break Dirk's hand as anything else. After such a callus remark, a hand on the shoulder or a hug would seem almost like mockery more than anything else. Like a patronizing little bit of comfort, because it's clear Jake's feelings were hurt. Not because Dirk felt guilt over what he was saying, or because he didn't mean any of it.

In fact, with that next remark, Jake is almost positive Dirk means ever single word he's saying right now and there's a sick clenching in his stomach as he starts to wonder why Dirk even came back if this was all he was going to going to come back to say. If he didn't want to be here, why even bother to show up again and risk hurting the kids? Dirk is a lot of things but he isn't stupid, he has to know how badly this could upset them. Jake sure does't feel like he's handling this well, and being he's in his late twenties he's pretty sure he can handle this information better than a little kid can.

So while Dirk doesn't close the gap between them, Jake does. Not as a way to comfort him, but so he could try to get his hands tangled in the fabric of Dirk's shirt and allow him enough leverage to swing him around and attempt to slam him into the nearest wall. ]

How can you even say that?!

[By the time Dirk realizes what he's intending to do, and that he isn't simply going in for another hit, it's far too late to move out of the way. He digs his feet in on the tiled floor, but to no avail. Jake's always had a bit more on Dirk in the sheer body mass department, and once he swings him around he's just along for the ride.

His back connecting so hard with the wall, might as well not have even happened, for all the reaction he gives. There's just a sharp exhale through his nose at the impact, but his face remains expressionless. And while this started out as simply a way to force Jake to learn the hard way exactly what he's been doing, the escalation of the argument so quickly, causes Dirk to want to push back. To dig into him and make him hurt a little further, for no other reason than to pay him back tenfold for everything else.

He tilts his head to regard him, unconcerned, hand wrapping around one of Jake's wrists to start trying to pry him off]

What's the matter, Jake? Don't like hearing your short comings? I've barely even started, neglect is only the tip of the iceberg. Immaturity is a little scrape lower.

Should I keep going?

[ It's true, out of the two of them Jake is definitely less "there" for the kids in comparison to Dirk. He does tend to leave a lot, thinking that both Dirk and the children would be fine without him. Dirk has proven time and time again he's a lot more capable of handling human life without hiccups than Jake is, and before this moment Jake really trusted Dirk, fully and completely.

The fact that he can't now hurts. And the fact that Dirk thinks it's Jake's own personality flaws that is upsetting him is even worse. It's as though Dirk doesn't even realize what he's done wrong here, what he's said, what he's implying. The knowledge that Dirk just doesn't seem to care about any of that kills Jake a little.

Enough that he loosens his grip on Dirk, and the look he gives him has a lot less venom, but a lot more hurt. ]

I...

No, I'm not the best father in the world. But at least I love and care about them.

[...He can't even help it. At those words he tosses his head back and laughs. Unlike the few chuckles, or full laughs he's made rarely around Dave or Jade, or even when Jake just does something so dorky and idiotically romantic...It's an ugly sound.

It's bitter, and it's loud, and it's all sorts of cutting. It's full of venom and so is his gaze when he finally stops, creamsicle orange eyes peering over the rim of his shades. He takes in that hurt expression and this time, this time it only brings smooth satisfaction. Finally Jake is feeling just a fraction of what he's been pushing onto Dirk for years. Finally, Jake is the one disillusioned and left floundering over the state of their relationships and their life.

He steps forward, tips himself up entirely in his face, voice low, and pointed. He knows exactly where to hit, and how hard to hit, and does, before moving to leave]

The only one here who believes that farce, is you.

[ Jake almost swears he can feel the entire room drop several degrees as Dirk lets loose with that laugh. He's never heard anything quite like it. At least, he's never heard it coming out of Dirk's mouth before and he's not really happy to hear it now. He wants to slap his hand over Dirk's mouth and keep him from laughing or saying another word, but it's too late, he doesn't do it which means he doesn't miss the last thing to come out of Dirk's mouth.

He lets go of Dirk complete now, his eyes wide with shock as the full implications start to sink into his head. He knows how he feels, he knows it's not a farce, but if Dirk's right and he's the only one that doesn't think it is then...

His head snaps around, staring out the kitchen door. It's almost impressive how Jake actually manages to look more upset and hurt than he already did. He's really got this kicked dog down to an art without even trying. ]

[He takes a second when Jake lets go and actually moves out of his way, to regard him and his expression. There's satisfaction in seeing the escalation of hurt, in knowing that he caused it and he'd accomplished everything he'd set out to do, even if fighting back hadn't been part of the original plan.

But Jake isn't the only one the temperature seems to lower for, cold seeping into his skin and settling low in the pit of his stomach, and he feels idiotically like he should be reminding himself to breathe. It was inevitable, he knows that, there's no way they could have worked out long term. He just...

Hadn't been expecting today to be it. He walks past Jake after another moment, without a backwards glance]

Thanks for the welcome home.

[TIME SKIP OF AWESOME]

[He'd checked breifly on the kids, who were mercifully still asleep, and curled up without a care in the world. He supposed in a way, it was a good thing it had happened so soon. Better to split them up when they'd only miss each other, and miss Jake for a little while. In a year, or two, Dave wouldn't remember this at all.

Once he'd satisfied himself with the fact that they were in fact, no worse for wear on his departure, he'd moved to the bedroom, hauling out some of the spare suitcases Jake kept for his adventuring, and opening them upon the bed. He's not moving out quite just yet, that would be stupid. His source of income is in the shape of one nerd, and he can't leave with no where proper to go.

But they'd make hauling his shit into a room across the house for now, much easier. He's being haphazard about it, he'd like to be out of here before they have a repeat confrontation before he's ready. He can't let it get out of hand this time]

[ Jake isn't sure what to do after the fight. He feels lost, confused, worried about what Dirk said. He's angry at Dirk for all of this sure, he's angry at what he sees as a clear display of a callous lack of caring for the kids that they were raising, and for Jake himself.

And yet... even if Jake wanted to, it isn't as if he could stop caring for Dirk, or magically stop being in love with him. And so after the initial anger had passed Jake is left with this feeling of confusion, loss and hurt that comes and goes in waves what seems like literally every few minutes.

At the moment his feelings are under control. Or they were at least until he found himself standing in the doorway of his and Dirk's bedroom, watching Dirk pull out a suitcase, ready to pack up. ]

What are you doing?

[ Looks like Dirk won't get to avoid that confrontation after all. ]

[His eyes squeeze shut behind his shades, taking a breathe to steady his nerves. By all rights Jake should be out shooting things, sitting with the kids, making a mess and emotional stink about things somewhere else. It's not the most mature thing to be angry about, but it changes nothing.

He barely turns to acknowledge Jake, shoving his clothes into the suitcase with a little more violence than necessary instead]

Packing, I thought it was obvious.

[ With the kids, sure, but Jake is a little less concerned with his usual hobbies at the moment, or ever sense the first fight really. And if he's going to make a giant emotional mess somewhere, might as well be here and now.

His throat tightens up a little at the answer, and it hits him like a ton of bricks. He knew from the moment he saw it what was going on. How couldn't he? But hearing it said makes it so much more finite, and lets the implications sink in.

And yet Jake still can't keep himself from asking a question he knows he doesn't want the answer to. ]

Why?

[He stops midway to tossing his shirt into the suitcase, hand clenching tightly and teeth gritting together visibly, and finally...Finally he'll turn to look at him]

Why do you think, Jake? I'm moving out. The room for now, the house later, the island on a permanent basis. I'm going home.

It's not working out. You know it, I know it, that conversation confirmed it. Playing stupid doesn't suit you.

[ He'd already gotten the idea that Dirk no longer cares to live this life, with him or the kids, but it doesn't make it easy to hear now. His jaw clenches, and for a second Jake wants to look away, but that would be pretty weak, wouldn't it? He stares pointedly at Dirk. ]

So you're abandoning the kids too?

I'm not abandoning them, don't be so melodramatic! I'm just getting rid of you.

[A pause, but he can't really stop Jake from not allowing contact with Jade, if that's what he wants. In which case he'd only see her if Roxy was kind enough to email some of the photos they're always bombarding the Crocker-Lalonde's with]

But Dave is coming with me.

[ That didn't exactly feel a lot better. It's not like he didn't get the gist of this beforehand, but it doesn't keep him from looking like he just got slapped in the face as he hears that.

The look passes quickly enough from shock to hurt back to shock as he hears what Dirk's plans for Dave are. Losing Dirk hurts. A lot. He's honestly not sure how he's going to be able to get through this, but he figured at least he'd be the one to keep the kids. He would manage the single father thing for them.

He didn't expect the curve ball Dirk just threw at him. And he tries to keep his voice as calm and collected as he can (which isn't very calm or collected at all) as he responds to that. ]

You can't take my son from me.

[Dirk's lip curls up in an angry sneer, as his thinly veiled control snaps]

He's not your son! He's mine. My fuckin' DNA and my name, Jake. Did you not grasp the whole problem there in the kitchen? Was the idea of you being so self deluded really that hard of a pill to swallow?

[He comes a little closer, but he doesn't make any move to touch him]

'Cause you can check it out, I'm the one that stays here with them. I raise them. I make sure they're fed, they're clean. I am the one who sits here with them and worries about whether or not they're happy, or if they're too sick for me to fix. You. Run. Out.

They're both mine, but Jade is me throwing you a bone, being your genetic donation to society and all. You're just the guest star, pop in with a gift, a nice hello, coddle them a little.

In a month, two, you'll just get bored again, like you always do. Only, now you don't got a live in babysitter to fuckin' dump them on, you gotta stay. I can paint your life Jake. As you resent them for taking your adventurin' youth away from you.

You won't be able to help it. And sorry, but I'm not resigning Dave to that. Now why don't you get out, and take the time to say goodbye?

[ And if Jake didn't think that hurt before, it sure as fuck does now. He's actually leaning against the door frame now to support his weight because right now he kind of literally feels like collapsing onto the ground. All the while giving Dirk a deer caught in headlights stare.

It takes a minute for him to try to piece together what Dirk just threw in his face, and there's a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. Did... did Dirk really think that about him? Would the kids think that? He realized he was gone a lot, but he thought he spent more than half his time at home with them. But it wasn't because he didn't want to be around them. He just couldn't take kids that young along with him.

And no matter what Dirk says he... ]

-Could never resent--

[ He clears his throat and tries to speak a little louder. ]

I could never resent them. I love them. I love both of them.

[ There's a pause here, his expression relaxes a little, slipping back into his early pained look. He's leaving himself more openings for Dirk to use against him, but maybe he should say it anyways. Because while losing Dave is still an idea that's tearing him up inside, and while Dirk has been trying to rip him apart...

it doesn't make the next statement any less true. ]

I love all three of you.

You say that now, English. But you will.

[And Dirk doesn't even entirely disbelieve about Jake's love for them. At least, he thinks that Jake believes he loves the children. And it still doesn't alter anything. Dirk knows that resenting someone doesn't mean you don't love them, he would know. Parts of him have become that towards Jake all fine, without making him stop loving him.

At the next words however, he acts like Jake has just reached out and slapped him, and he backs up abruptly, shaking his head before his mouth even catches up to what he's doing]'

Don't! Don't you dare include me in that. Not after everything!

[ It's hard to say this, it's hard to see the way dirk is even reacting to him say this, but it needs to be laid out there. If Dirk is...

If he's really leaving Jake, and he's really taking Dave with him then he wants his feelings known. He wants Dirk to at least realize this does hurt him, and maybe, just maybe he will concede to something as simple as visitation rights.

Though if he's being completely honest, while he can admit to himself how much he'll miss Dave, because Dave hasn't done anything to hurt him, it's harder to admit how much it hurts that Dirk no longer wants this life with him anymore. It's like life just sucker punched him with the information that his successfully aggressive suitor who after years of courtship managed to get Jake to fall head over heels in love with him... and now he decided he didn't really like what he saw and was tossing him aside. ]

But I do!

[ A short, strained laugh which sounds more pained than amused. ]

I'm sure you think it's sad though, don't you? With how bad the exchange we had was that even then I don't love you any less than before.

[ He looks Dirk in the eye as he says that last sentence. Or... well he tries to at least, it's hard to tell with the sunglasses on. ]

Stop saying that!

[His voice nearly cracks at it. He has to pinch the bridge of his nose to stem the urge to completely fall apart. Once he'd released this big emotional damn he'd had, he couldn't stop. He'd lost his ability to believe in Jake and the things he'd said a long time ago.

When Jake couldn't stop leaving, when he stopped contact when he did, for so many lengths at a time. He'd never been able to stop turning his thoughts around the idea that he was filling his time with adventure with exotic women- or men, getting all the things Dirk could never give him.

And he hated not knowing. Hated counting bruises and scratches with a clinical eye and having to wonder how they'd gotten there. Learned to resent hearing the words, the feel of Jake's touch. The way nothing he said or did make a lick of fucking difference, it was just a matter of time until he was abandoned again. Only he'd stupidly, so stupidly brought little children he was supposed to protect from all of life's shitty pitfalls into the mix.

And he thinks he resents Jake for that most of all. There's no way to end this that doesn't hurt them. That even if they won't remember it in a year or two, it's going to follow them around for life, with all of their mutual friends. They had a chance of a real, proper, cookie cutter family, and their parents destroyed it so thoroughly there wasn't anything left in the wreckage.

He resents that he'd courted him so long, thought...Thought so dumbly that they'd change eventually, that he could do this, that it would all work out. He hates that as fucked up as he thinks his relationship with Jake is, he hasn't stopped loving him, still loves him as much as he did all those years ago when he started dropping hints.

It's pathetic, he's pathetic, and he just wants all of it to be over already. There's nothing worse than falling apart at the seams, in front of the person you just tore apart, because Jake just won't give up.

Dirk's breath hitches in an all too familiar way, the way Dave does, right before he lets loose a string of tears and ear drum breaking cries.

He's going back to packing, a lot more quickly now, blurring out occasionally when he forgets himself, and flashsteps a second or two]

You just never know when to stop fucking around! What I think...I think it's sad that you say this shit- this complete load of lies-

Like it means anything to me any more! Like you can just worm your fucking way- And you're just so good at it. Real surprise you turned out to be English, gold fucking star. Take a bow and exit stage left!

[ What Dirk is saying doesn't make a lot of sense to him right now. It's broken fragments and a whole lot of unfinished thoughts. And above all it lacks any and all sense of self control.

And it hits him. Something that should have hit him before now, but didn't because Dirk is just so goddamn good at acting like things don't get to him sometimes. Even if Jake is hurt and upset about this, and wears all his emotions on his sleeve. But he knows better. He should know better at least, because Dirk has always been sensitive about things, and whatever has been going on in this fight between them it's not just about Dirk getting tired of him, or secretly having been some massive tool for all these years. Dirk's upset about something, really upset about something.

About... Jake lying? But he isn't. He's being completely honest with his feelings, so there has to be something else.

At the very least Jake's finally been able to figure that much out. Slow burning indeed. ]

Dirk, listen!

[ Instead of taking that bow he's walking across the room, shoving his hands down on top of the suitcase to get in the way of Dirk's madman packing. He has no chance of grabbing the man himself, but he can at least get in the way enough to slow him down. ]

Whatever I've done to make you believe I'd dissemble you, there's some sort of mistake! Everything I'm saying right now is the matter-of-fact truth. I adore the frigging hell out of you and those kids, and I don't want to lose any of you.

[He has to stop, seconds from crashing into Jake when the idiot gets in his way and slams his hands down on the suitcase. Backs up a step or two quickly, and clenches his fingers in his shirts tight enough to avoid everything shaking.

Opens his mouth and tries to aim for empty and hollow, instead of just plain pathetic, he's not sure it's working, and all the air in his lungs is still making him to that soft hitching on every inhale, mouth straining with the effort to remain a thin, unamused line]

Get out of my way, Jake. They'll be up soon and I need...I Should be out of here by then.

[He's just bowling over Jake's words like the other man hadn't even bothered saying anything. Like if he just kept talking and ignoring it he could live in this little cloud of denial that Jake wasn't keeping up some stupid pretence, or had really just had his head really that far up his ass the whole time, and was clearly twisting the knife in deeper.

And the whole thing, so stupidly, was something he'd started]

Would you just get out?! You can't fix this! There isn't anything left to- You just shut up!

[ This is... oddly enough much easier to deal with for Jake than the earlier reactions he was getting. For most people the move away from calm, seemingly rational responses would actually be a bad thing. When it came to Dirk though, the fact that he is starting to break down might not be. It means (at least Jake hopes it means) that he'll be able to get through to him now. At the very least it's become apparently obvious to both of them how affected by this Dirk really is.

With how tense Dirk is right now Jake is sure invading his personal space is going to get him a fist in the face, but he does it anyways. One hand is placed firmly on Dirk's shoulder. The other rests on his upper arm on the opposite side. ]

Maybe I can't, but if I leave now then I'll lose you forever.

[ He's trying so hard to make eye contact now, eyes flickering back and forth across the surface of Dirk's sunglasses. This would be so much easier if those damned things weren't in the way, but he's not about to risk having his fingers broken in an attempt to take them off. ]

It probably makes me a selfish prick all things considered! But I don't want to let you go.

You already have.

[He was stupid to think even just showing Jake how things were, how it felt to generate a conversation, because this was how Jake learned...That it would change anything. Even if they hadn't fought, what they had was so completely broken, there just wasn't any hope of salvaging it.

But it's not his first instinct to hit Jake. Even after all this time, and through everything they've done to each other, his touch still makes Dirk react. Feel that spark like being touched by a live wire, and his first instinct is to lean into it, to get more, like he always has.

But it's only a moment, before he remembers, and he drops the clothes he was holding to fist his hands in Jake's shirt and attempts to push him back. His grip is weak and the tension so thick in his body he's actively trembling from the effort of reigning it in, makes it so ineffective his ex- For that's what he is now, won't even move.

It isn't until he talks and feels the liquid drip onto his mouth as a result, that he even realizes he's started crying]

You have to.

[ He could tell that Dirk was quickly falling apart, but the tears still take him by surprise. Somehow Dirk Strider is not someone he ever expected to find crying in his arms. Or... at the very least he sure as hell didn't expect to be the cause of those tears. The fact that Dirk is trying to push him away on top of that? Doesn't feel good.

This doesn't mean he fully understand what is happening here, or how things have gotten to this point. He does to a degree, he gets that Dirk is convinced that Jake doesn't love him, and doesn't love the kids. He gets that whatever things he's been doing to make Dirk feel that way has hurt Dirk.

What he doesn't know is how he can talk Dirk out of... this so they even have a chance to figure things out properly. Jake likes to think of himself as a man of action, and even when he understands a situation it doesn't mean he knows how to handle it. Which might be why even though Dirk is clearly trying to shove him away, Jake slides his arms around Dirk's back and tries to pull him closer. ]

... I won't.

Jake... [He wants to tell him it's not fair, that he shouldn't get to be as selfish about this as he does everything else, and tries to resist the pull of him. But the words get choked down in the tears and he can't get them out, and his resistance with Jake has always been laughable and so closer he goes.

His grip on Jake's shirt loosens to slide up around his neck, and take hold in the middle of his shoulder blades, tight and pulling just as much. Like if he can just get Jake closer, everything he feels will just stop. Like it's as simple as it is with the children, a hug and a kind word heals all wounds.

Dirk lets the glasses slip from his nose, lets his head drop onto Jake's shoulder and stops trying to pretend he doesn't feel anything about this ]

[ It's... nice. Well, compared to all the fighting the fact that Dirk is actually willing to let Jake close in some way or another is nice. He's not stupid enough to think this really fixes anything, really, but it's a start, isn't it? The fact that Dirk is letting him close at all is a step in the right direction.

Jake presses his cheek against the top of Dirk's head, tightening his grip on him.

He's almost afraid to say anything right now, certain that whatever he says he's going to fuck up the moment. Considering he managed to dig a big enough hole for himself that Dirk was packing up and planning on leaving, he's not really feeling all that confident in his ability to talk Dirk out of running off on him. But before he can really think things through he's opening his mouth and babbling stupid. ]

Don't leave me.

[ That... that probably should have been "don't leave us". That probably shouldn't have been as blatantly selfish as it was. Why does he keep doing that?

He opens his mouth to try again, but he can't get the words out, instead he lets out a shaky exhale, and squeezes Dirk tighter. ]

[He laughs slightly, chokes on it. It's a wet, horrible sound, and he noses into Jake's neck even as the whole thing just makes him cry harder.

It's raw, pure grief and he hates that he can make Jake sound panicked, afraid to lose him and that he's got the other manner resorting to near begging. After all this, after...After everything that's making Dirk run.

They're just one big, cosmic joke. He can't get the words out fast enough, they're rambled, dispersed between his sobbing and quiet anger, some of them even, get a little muffled into the skin of Jake's neck]

Why?

Doesn't make...

It's not fucking difference, you can't- It's not like you'd notice.

You're always- You or me does it even matter who leaves it's always-

You're just always gone. You don't...

[And it comes out more broken than he means it to, sinks all of his weight into Jake, and twists his shirt up in his hands and pulls like he can't decide if he wants to eradicate the last of the space between him or shove him away]

Jake nothing makes you stay. I tried-

[ Nothing Dirk is rambling out right now makes a whole lot of sense. He's upset and the stream of consciousness he's tossing Jake's way isn't easy to follow, but he gets some of it. He already got it that Dirk doesn't feel he wants to be there, that he doesn't love him or the kids, and it's because.... he's never there? Because Dirk has tried to make him stay and he won't?

He racks his brain for these instances, and all he can come up with are a dozen or so times that Dirk has dropped some vague hints he wasn't happy that Jake was running out, but... Jake had thought it was a time thing. Like Dirk wanted him around at the moment, and they'd always talked it out.

At least... Jake thought they had. ... Jake had always explained his reasons for leaving, and promised to come back.

Maybe that wasn't enough. Dirk has always been very sensitive about things, and not always the most straight forward in his approach. Maybe, just maybe (and Jake doesn't think he's really going out on a limb here) Dirk was not as okay with Jake's galavanting all over the world after all.

Either way, if Dirk decides he wants to shove Jake off, he's gonna have some problems with it, because if Jake actually held Dirk any tighter than this. ]

What if...

[ He swallows nervously. What he's thinking of suggesting isn't something he really wants to even consider, much less promise to someone. But it's starting to feel like an either or option. He either keeps doing what he's doing now, and loses Dirk and Dave, or he gives up the adventuring, and....

Well, there is no and. As much as it hurts, as much as this is the last thing he ever wanted to have to do, there is one thing he's sure he can't live without at this point in his life. ]

What if I promise I'll never leave again?

[ And thing is his family. ]

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sdfsadfasdf I need some depressed jake icons I'm quickly coming to realize

ya rly

one day a;sdf

yes good /hi5

/o/

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