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[It's strange in a way, being back after what feels like so long. The restlessness that he'd been feeling for months, and that no amount of killing dangerous fauna could sate, has finally left. But it had been replaced with a quiet ache, that's finally starting to ease. It's good to be home.

Fighting the swarm of fairy bulls to the front door is no easy task, but he can't even find it in himself to be irritated. In his own way he'd gotten used to them, the way those in the city got used to crickets and cheerful birds. Besides, they delay a conversation he really doesn't want to be having.

The kids will be napping, likely far enough in the house that they won't hear this, which is a good thing. It's likely to get messy, things always tended to, with Jake.

But he's never been a coward, and he knows it's necessary. So he shifts the bag in his hand and enters the house, dumping it into a corner, before wandering in search of him.

It's easy, he's in the kitchen and Dirk leans on the door frame, watching]

Honey, I'm home.

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Stop saying that!

[His voice nearly cracks at it. He has to pinch the bridge of his nose to stem the urge to completely fall apart. Once he'd released this big emotional damn he'd had, he couldn't stop. He'd lost his ability to believe in Jake and the things he'd said a long time ago.

When Jake couldn't stop leaving, when he stopped contact when he did, for so many lengths at a time. He'd never been able to stop turning his thoughts around the idea that he was filling his time with adventure with exotic women- or men, getting all the things Dirk could never give him.

And he hated not knowing. Hated counting bruises and scratches with a clinical eye and having to wonder how they'd gotten there. Learned to resent hearing the words, the feel of Jake's touch. The way nothing he said or did make a lick of fucking difference, it was just a matter of time until he was abandoned again. Only he'd stupidly, so stupidly brought little children he was supposed to protect from all of life's shitty pitfalls into the mix.

And he thinks he resents Jake for that most of all. There's no way to end this that doesn't hurt them. That even if they won't remember it in a year or two, it's going to follow them around for life, with all of their mutual friends. They had a chance of a real, proper, cookie cutter family, and their parents destroyed it so thoroughly there wasn't anything left in the wreckage.

He resents that he'd courted him so long, thought...Thought so dumbly that they'd change eventually, that he could do this, that it would all work out. He hates that as fucked up as he thinks his relationship with Jake is, he hasn't stopped loving him, still loves him as much as he did all those years ago when he started dropping hints.

It's pathetic, he's pathetic, and he just wants all of it to be over already. There's nothing worse than falling apart at the seams, in front of the person you just tore apart, because Jake just won't give up.

Dirk's breath hitches in an all too familiar way, the way Dave does, right before he lets loose a string of tears and ear drum breaking cries.

He's going back to packing, a lot more quickly now, blurring out occasionally when he forgets himself, and flashsteps a second or two]

You just never know when to stop fucking around! What I think...I think it's sad that you say this shit- this complete load of lies-

Like it means anything to me any more! Like you can just worm your fucking way- And you're just so good at it. Real surprise you turned out to be English, gold fucking star. Take a bow and exit stage left!

[ What Dirk is saying doesn't make a lot of sense to him right now. It's broken fragments and a whole lot of unfinished thoughts. And above all it lacks any and all sense of self control.

And it hits him. Something that should have hit him before now, but didn't because Dirk is just so goddamn good at acting like things don't get to him sometimes. Even if Jake is hurt and upset about this, and wears all his emotions on his sleeve. But he knows better. He should know better at least, because Dirk has always been sensitive about things, and whatever has been going on in this fight between them it's not just about Dirk getting tired of him, or secretly having been some massive tool for all these years. Dirk's upset about something, really upset about something.

About... Jake lying? But he isn't. He's being completely honest with his feelings, so there has to be something else.

At the very least Jake's finally been able to figure that much out. Slow burning indeed. ]

Dirk, listen!

[ Instead of taking that bow he's walking across the room, shoving his hands down on top of the suitcase to get in the way of Dirk's madman packing. He has no chance of grabbing the man himself, but he can at least get in the way enough to slow him down. ]

Whatever I've done to make you believe I'd dissemble you, there's some sort of mistake! Everything I'm saying right now is the matter-of-fact truth. I adore the frigging hell out of you and those kids, and I don't want to lose any of you.

[He has to stop, seconds from crashing into Jake when the idiot gets in his way and slams his hands down on the suitcase. Backs up a step or two quickly, and clenches his fingers in his shirts tight enough to avoid everything shaking.

Opens his mouth and tries to aim for empty and hollow, instead of just plain pathetic, he's not sure it's working, and all the air in his lungs is still making him to that soft hitching on every inhale, mouth straining with the effort to remain a thin, unamused line]

Get out of my way, Jake. They'll be up soon and I need...I Should be out of here by then.

[He's just bowling over Jake's words like the other man hadn't even bothered saying anything. Like if he just kept talking and ignoring it he could live in this little cloud of denial that Jake wasn't keeping up some stupid pretence, or had really just had his head really that far up his ass the whole time, and was clearly twisting the knife in deeper.

And the whole thing, so stupidly, was something he'd started]

Would you just get out?! You can't fix this! There isn't anything left to- You just shut up!

[ This is... oddly enough much easier to deal with for Jake than the earlier reactions he was getting. For most people the move away from calm, seemingly rational responses would actually be a bad thing. When it came to Dirk though, the fact that he is starting to break down might not be. It means (at least Jake hopes it means) that he'll be able to get through to him now. At the very least it's become apparently obvious to both of them how affected by this Dirk really is.

With how tense Dirk is right now Jake is sure invading his personal space is going to get him a fist in the face, but he does it anyways. One hand is placed firmly on Dirk's shoulder. The other rests on his upper arm on the opposite side. ]

Maybe I can't, but if I leave now then I'll lose you forever.

[ He's trying so hard to make eye contact now, eyes flickering back and forth across the surface of Dirk's sunglasses. This would be so much easier if those damned things weren't in the way, but he's not about to risk having his fingers broken in an attempt to take them off. ]

It probably makes me a selfish prick all things considered! But I don't want to let you go.

You already have.

[He was stupid to think even just showing Jake how things were, how it felt to generate a conversation, because this was how Jake learned...That it would change anything. Even if they hadn't fought, what they had was so completely broken, there just wasn't any hope of salvaging it.

But it's not his first instinct to hit Jake. Even after all this time, and through everything they've done to each other, his touch still makes Dirk react. Feel that spark like being touched by a live wire, and his first instinct is to lean into it, to get more, like he always has.

But it's only a moment, before he remembers, and he drops the clothes he was holding to fist his hands in Jake's shirt and attempts to push him back. His grip is weak and the tension so thick in his body he's actively trembling from the effort of reigning it in, makes it so ineffective his ex- For that's what he is now, won't even move.

It isn't until he talks and feels the liquid drip onto his mouth as a result, that he even realizes he's started crying]

You have to.

[ He could tell that Dirk was quickly falling apart, but the tears still take him by surprise. Somehow Dirk Strider is not someone he ever expected to find crying in his arms. Or... at the very least he sure as hell didn't expect to be the cause of those tears. The fact that Dirk is trying to push him away on top of that? Doesn't feel good.

This doesn't mean he fully understand what is happening here, or how things have gotten to this point. He does to a degree, he gets that Dirk is convinced that Jake doesn't love him, and doesn't love the kids. He gets that whatever things he's been doing to make Dirk feel that way has hurt Dirk.

What he doesn't know is how he can talk Dirk out of... this so they even have a chance to figure things out properly. Jake likes to think of himself as a man of action, and even when he understands a situation it doesn't mean he knows how to handle it. Which might be why even though Dirk is clearly trying to shove him away, Jake slides his arms around Dirk's back and tries to pull him closer. ]

... I won't.

Jake... [He wants to tell him it's not fair, that he shouldn't get to be as selfish about this as he does everything else, and tries to resist the pull of him. But the words get choked down in the tears and he can't get them out, and his resistance with Jake has always been laughable and so closer he goes.

His grip on Jake's shirt loosens to slide up around his neck, and take hold in the middle of his shoulder blades, tight and pulling just as much. Like if he can just get Jake closer, everything he feels will just stop. Like it's as simple as it is with the children, a hug and a kind word heals all wounds.

Dirk lets the glasses slip from his nose, lets his head drop onto Jake's shoulder and stops trying to pretend he doesn't feel anything about this ]

[ It's... nice. Well, compared to all the fighting the fact that Dirk is actually willing to let Jake close in some way or another is nice. He's not stupid enough to think this really fixes anything, really, but it's a start, isn't it? The fact that Dirk is letting him close at all is a step in the right direction.

Jake presses his cheek against the top of Dirk's head, tightening his grip on him.

He's almost afraid to say anything right now, certain that whatever he says he's going to fuck up the moment. Considering he managed to dig a big enough hole for himself that Dirk was packing up and planning on leaving, he's not really feeling all that confident in his ability to talk Dirk out of running off on him. But before he can really think things through he's opening his mouth and babbling stupid. ]

Don't leave me.

[ That... that probably should have been "don't leave us". That probably shouldn't have been as blatantly selfish as it was. Why does he keep doing that?

He opens his mouth to try again, but he can't get the words out, instead he lets out a shaky exhale, and squeezes Dirk tighter. ]

[He laughs slightly, chokes on it. It's a wet, horrible sound, and he noses into Jake's neck even as the whole thing just makes him cry harder.

It's raw, pure grief and he hates that he can make Jake sound panicked, afraid to lose him and that he's got the other manner resorting to near begging. After all this, after...After everything that's making Dirk run.

They're just one big, cosmic joke. He can't get the words out fast enough, they're rambled, dispersed between his sobbing and quiet anger, some of them even, get a little muffled into the skin of Jake's neck]

Why?

Doesn't make...

It's not fucking difference, you can't- It's not like you'd notice.

You're always- You or me does it even matter who leaves it's always-

You're just always gone. You don't...

[And it comes out more broken than he means it to, sinks all of his weight into Jake, and twists his shirt up in his hands and pulls like he can't decide if he wants to eradicate the last of the space between him or shove him away]

Jake nothing makes you stay. I tried-

[ Nothing Dirk is rambling out right now makes a whole lot of sense. He's upset and the stream of consciousness he's tossing Jake's way isn't easy to follow, but he gets some of it. He already got it that Dirk doesn't feel he wants to be there, that he doesn't love him or the kids, and it's because.... he's never there? Because Dirk has tried to make him stay and he won't?

He racks his brain for these instances, and all he can come up with are a dozen or so times that Dirk has dropped some vague hints he wasn't happy that Jake was running out, but... Jake had thought it was a time thing. Like Dirk wanted him around at the moment, and they'd always talked it out.

At least... Jake thought they had. ... Jake had always explained his reasons for leaving, and promised to come back.

Maybe that wasn't enough. Dirk has always been very sensitive about things, and not always the most straight forward in his approach. Maybe, just maybe (and Jake doesn't think he's really going out on a limb here) Dirk was not as okay with Jake's galavanting all over the world after all.

Either way, if Dirk decides he wants to shove Jake off, he's gonna have some problems with it, because if Jake actually held Dirk any tighter than this. ]

What if...

[ He swallows nervously. What he's thinking of suggesting isn't something he really wants to even consider, much less promise to someone. But it's starting to feel like an either or option. He either keeps doing what he's doing now, and loses Dirk and Dave, or he gives up the adventuring, and....

Well, there is no and. As much as it hurts, as much as this is the last thing he ever wanted to have to do, there is one thing he's sure he can't live without at this point in his life. ]

What if I promise I'll never leave again?

[ And thing is his family. ]

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